The breaking point
It was a few months after my wedding. I was laying in bed on Christmas Eve, next to my wonderful husband, staring blankly at the ceiling. How did I get here? One of the most amazing years of my life came and went, but where had I been? A familiar feeling of panic started to come on strong. Hello old friend - anxiety reared its ugly head.
In that moment, I realized the year I’d spent planning my wedding was a complete blur. I could hardly remember a thing, aside from the self-imposed stress I experienced while picking between varieties of napkins and flatware. I felt guilty as I stared at my husband. This wasn’t just about me anymore, it was also about him. I wanted to be the best version of myself not only for me, but for us, and the life we were going to share. I felt rotten knowing that the year that marked our union was clouded by my lack of presence. Even worse, I realized the only thing that truly made me happy was him, and without the purpose of planning a wedding, I felt totally lost.
When I started looking at my life, I realized how far I had strayed from my truth, and how much I’d been living my life for others. From my education to my career, my decisions were always made to please others. Even my leisure time was jam-packed with commitments. I was incapable of saying “no”. I was so concerned with meeting others’ expectations and securing approval that I never thought to stop and check if I approved of myself. It was pure chaos.
In the time I carved out for myself, I wandered from one thing to the next, looking for peace and satisfaction in jobs, shopping, relationships, even partying, but I knew these were not solutions: the happiness associated with all of these was fleeting. However, despite my awareness and desire for change, I felt trapped. I feared change and wasn’t convinced I could escape this pattern. My track record told me so: I never finished anything I started because I was so afraid of failing that I usually quit before the possibility occurred, and my self-sabotage saw no bounds - I fell off the wagon more times than I could count. Despite my best intentions, I betrayed myself time and time again. Worst of all: to the outside world, I seemed perfectly happy and successful. What is the answer? My anxiety struck again. I was tired, and sick of feeling stuck in the same miserable place.
That’s when I heard it: “Love” - a disembodied voice? My mind? Didn’t matter. It got my attention.
Love? I supposed I could try that. So, 4:00 am and there I was, naming all the things I loved – everything from my parents to pasta, Stevie Nicks to yoga. When I finished, I sat in stillness, trying to connect to gratitude. In that moment, I heard the same voice whisper again: “Love yourself.”
I froze for a minute or twenty. Love yourself? It finally dawned on me: what I was really lacking in my life wasn’t anything I could find outside of myself, it was ME I was seeking.
I was seeking a connection to my soul.
The minute I turned my attention to myself was when everything started to really fall apart. That’s when my true spiritual journey began. I can look back now and confirm that what was really happening was my healing.
Healing from the inside out
Healing is no joke. It’s messy, it hurts and at times it can be difficult to see the light. I persisted. The deeper I went, the more I discovered, but for the first time in years, I felt deeply connected to my needs. I started to listen to my intuition in a way I hadn’t done since childhood. I recalled that, from a young age, I felt connected to spirits and energy, but over the years I blocked myself from this connection. I wanted to return to this place, so I became devoted to spirituality. I attended courses, read books, received counselling, saw mediums, studied meditation, practiced yoga, found truth in Tarot, but most importantly, I looked in the mirror.
I realized what was truly holding me back: my beliefs.
My entire life, I’d always put so much pressure on myself to figure everything out. I was in deep need of control. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t trust. It never occurred to me that the Universe could work for me and not against me. I discovered that the Universe simply holds up a mirror, that when we change the way we choose to be and see, magical shifts begin to occur.
When I let go, I found peace.
I know what you’re feeling because I’ve felt it too. I’ve encountered the same fear and anxiety, the same helplessness and the same desperate desire for change. I’m here to let you know it’s possible and to support you in the process:
You can heal.
You can transform.
You can create a life you love & it all starts within.