The heart wants what the heart wants

Our souls speak to us even when we’re not paying attention. And often, we miss the very signs we are asking to see. For most of my adult life, I’ve been having what some people call an “existential crisis”. “What does it all mean? Why am I here? What’s my purpose? What is my passion?” It’s as though I was waiting for a stranger to appear and point me to my calling. Little did I know, the stranger was in me.

Moving from a condo to a home gave me the answer. My husband and I were packing in preparation for our big move, when he pushed over a box full of my journals. Rob has always teased me for the number of journals I have laying around the house. But yes, you read that correctly: a whole BOX. It occurred to me at that same minute: my subconscious had been hard at work nearly my entire life.

I have always been drawn to journals. And I often buy more than I need so many of them remain blank, but yet I feel I NEED them when I see them in the store. Why do I have so many? At that moment I knew the answer: I buy an excessive number of journals because my soul yearns to write. I absolutely love to write. So naturally, I would buy as many journals as I could get my hands on. Yet until I stared down at this cardboard box, I never picked up on the symbolism. The heart wants what the heart wants.

I was too busy doing the things I thought I had to do to pick up on to the things I wanted to do, dividing much of my time in this same way. I knew I loved writing, but I didn’t make time for it. “I’m busy. I have a job. I’m tired.” Many of us are caught in the tug of war between our ego and our heart. Often, the ego wins. The ego works by silencing your inner voice. Not the voice you hear in your mind, but the voice that speaks to you from your heart. 

I used to think that you had to find your passion. That you had to try a million different things to figure out what you were put on this earth to do. I now realize your destiny is often staring you in the face. Your passion finds you. What you seek is seeking you. In fact, it’s been with you all along - you just weren’t paying attention. And then when you find it, it feels so completely effortless that it can’t possibly be the thing you were looking for. Yet, it is. Your passion feels like home. The only place you need to look is within.

Try asking yourself this: what do people come to me for?

When i asked myself this question I realized the answers were writing and advice. All my life people have confided in me and valued my guidance or opinion. By the same token, people around me have recognized my writing with admiration, whether a parent, a friend or a teacher. I never thought anything of either. “Okay, so I’m a good listener and I can write - big deal.” The reality: it’s a little unsettling to realize that people can recognize your talents and see you more clearly than you can see yourself. 

I now make time to write knowing that the more I do it, the happier I am. The more I do it, the more I realize I want to be an author. Maybe not this year, maybe not in five years - but someday. I may not know when my dream will come true, but I know that repeatedly doing something I love will get me there. When we follow what brings us joy, we are led to abundance. 

If you’re having trouble with this, like I was, try putting pen to paper. A brainstorm gets the ideas flowing. Answer these questions: 

What am I continuously drawn to? 

What can I spend endless time doing without giving it a second thought? 

What would I do even if I wasn’t getting paid?

What comes easy to me?

We all have something.

The last thing I want to leave you with is this: we often think our passion and our career need to be one of the same. This is false. They can be separate. But if you can find a way to monetize your passion (and trust me, you can), kudos to you.

Taylor Farquhar